These points of data make a beautiful line

FACT: upon making a shiny new grown-up real-name professional-type blog, the blogger will immediately get sucked into a time-consuming obsession that is much more important than keeping said blog updated.

Portal, man!  I’m not a gamer, but the first Portal was free in Steam’s summer sale last year, and lots of my friends recommended it, so I downloaded it.

Then it took me a full year to complete, because I’m not very good at puzzles, and my laptop didn’t have the RAM it needed, and then I got stuck in testing chamber 15 for months.  By which I mean, “I’d play for half an hour, get nowhere, then close the game and do something else for a few weeks before eventually trying again.”

Finally, I upgraded my RAM — all by myself, LIKE A RAM-UPGRADING CHAMPION! — and, inspired by  L M Myles’ enthusiasm, had a go at finishing the game.  This was clearly the right thing to do, because just as I arrived at the very final challenge, Portal 2 was reduced to US$4.99 in this year’s Steam summer sale.

Chell: pretty much my hero(ine).

Some justifications for abandoning blogging (and writing, reading, housework and human contact) in favour of the Portalverse:

– Puzzles!  Which I’m not very good at, but that just sweetens the sense of victory when I solve them.  Even if I need a walkthrough.  Which is often.

– The setting!  I really like stories that are set in a wider universe, and Portal, being a spin-off of Half-Life, has that.  Even though it takes place entirely within the Aperture Science Enrichment Centre, there are hints of the wider universe, a sense that other things are happening.  It doesn’t even matter that I’ve never played Half-Life and probably never will, and that my entire understanding of said wider universe comes from Wikipedia.

– The characters.  Portal features Chell (young human female, possibly of Asian descent, stubborn and mute and very clever — well, she’s meant to be very clever, and I often felt like I should apologise to her for being so rubbish, but anyway) and GLaDOS (a passive-aggressive, murderous AI who has all the best lines).  Portal 2 adds in Wheatley, who is basically the Doctor in AI form, what with having an English accent and telling Chell to run a lot, but he’s also not very bright.  So not much at all like the Doctor, then.  Anyway, I find myself fascinated by Chell.  Her background is murky — GLaDOS claims she was abandoned by her parents and adopted, not that GLaDOS is a reliable source — and she never speaks, but she’s desperately tenacious and brave.  I’d read a whole novel about Chell, though for some reason most Portal fanfic tends to erase her muteness, which makes her a bit generic.

– The script.  Portal is massively quotable!  It’s the source of the whole “the cake is a lie” meme.  “Remember, the Aperture Science Bring Your Daughter To Work Day is the perfect time to have her tested” is a line that stuck in my head for ages, because it’s both absurd and terrifying, and hints a little at Chell’s background and just why it is that a young woman would be in this vast, deserted facility.

–  The music.  At the end of the first game there’s a brilliant encapsulation of GLaDOS’ personality in song, which has gone from nowhere to a high position in my iPod’s top 25 most played list.  And the instrumental track “4000 Degrees Kelvin” is my new “I’M RUNNING FOR THE TRAIN AND HOW IS IT THAT I’M IN A RUSH LIKE THIS EVERY. SINGLE. MORNING?” tune.  Portal 2 has “Cara Mio Addio“, also known as the Turret Opera.  I’m not even up to that part of the game yet, but I saw it suggested as walking-down-the-aisle music for the geeky bride and had to check it out.  Also for Portal 2, The National wrote a song which appears in one test chamber.  Then Valve held a competition for fans to make a video.  ALL THE MUSIC IS ALL FOR ME.

So, in conclusion, Portal is great.  In fact, because I’ve done something to my back which has left me lying in bed, high on Panadeine Forte, I’m going to go play now.

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